A recent article in Time Magazine shared results from a study reporting the frequency that people engage in sex from Generation Z to the Great Generation, showing sharp declines for all age groups except those over 60.
“We turn to technology instead of to people. And that’s
happening in sexuality just like everywhere else. ~ Sue Johnson, Time Magazine, Oct 2018”
The causes of this general decline are many and I’m addressing what I think is the major one. It’s easy to see that engaging with the complexity of dealing with
people requires more commitment, energy and attention than watching someone else’s life on video or seeing what your friends write on Facebook. The enormous growth of the porn industry is witness to this fact. The majority of my women clients complain that their man prefers to watch porn that to deal with communication about sexual preferences, expectations, who initiates sex, boundaries and preparation for good sex to happen. People over 60 are the exception, I think in general because they are less addicted to technology and because they have more time.
Unless you are in the “falling in love” period, great sex does not just happen
without directing energy to it and planning for it. The myth is that if you plan you cannot be spontaneous, however, the opposite seems to be true as long as the planning does not take too much time and effort. You want to make sure that your intimate time is not interrupted by taking care of a crying baby or some other important stuff. Spontaneity is important during love making. Commitment to sex time is essential for keeping a healthy passionate relationship that deepens instead of becoming almost a chore. Make sure you are energetically in alignment. However, if something important or unforeseeable happens then that time needs to be renegotiated, not just skipped. If one of you has a challenge that cannot be handled during the pre-connecting talk, you could instead just cuddle and feel each other’s closeness and support.
If you have the green light to proceed, you prepare both physically and
emotionally. Physically, clean your body and set up the room that tantalizes your senses to open for the mind to relax its tight grip on how you lead your life,
mercilessly reminding you of the urgent to do list that you must do before taking time for pleasure. When your senses are stimulated by your favorite smell, soft lighting and music that adds to your mood, you will notice that you are naturally starting to take deeper, fuller breaths and getting in touch with your body.
Take a few moments to look into each other’s eyes with appreciation and
giving each other a spontaneous, real compliment. It’s also very important to set the intention of deepening the love for each other. If you are taking this short preparation time, you will discover that you will be very spontaneous and
passionate during sex.
Sometimes a quickly is OK, but please do not make it a habit.
As Kashdan points out in the Time article, emotional health is greater in people who have meaningful sex that includes closeness and connection.
If the frequent answer to a request for sex is: “I’m too tired”, “I’m not in the
mood”, “I have no time”, then you know the couple needs to look at their
priorities and create that time for sex if they want the relationship to continue to stay healthy and deepen. In nature, nothing can stay the same, it either gets
better or worse. You want your relationship to get better. Great sex is the fuel
that keeps the relationship hot.
When I talk to clients they usually admit that at least once a week they will spend time 1 1/2hr or 2 hours watching a movie. The question is: “is watching a movie more important than nourishing your relationship?” The time that it takes to watch an average movie could be used to communicate about each of the partner’s mental and emotional state; that alone will make you feel more
connected. Watching a movie can be great; your mind is entertained for that
period, but your real self has not received any attention.
Real communication with each other opens the heart and satisfies body, mind,
and spirit. Sex becomes meaningful, not just a short release of tension for men
and for most women not enough time to have the fulfillment they are longing for.
Some women confess that they say they are too tired because they already know
that they will not be satisfied. A sexual encounter done after the intimate
communication is completely different; it consistently gives energy and joy that
can last for days instead of just a few moments of physical release.
Watching porn, a now multibillion dollars a year industry and growing has created a lure for visual stimulation. Many women complain that their man spends too much time watching porn and they feel neglected. Porn can become addictive.
This dangerous trend cannot be ignored. People need each other to balance their energies and give each other’s pleasure. Tantra is the best way I know to heal from this addiction and bring couples closer together so that couples can be the right model of what a relationship is to their children.