My intention is to increase your appreciation of Touch and how it contributes to keep a relationship healthy, growing, deepening and fulfilling. Touch communicates perfectly your inner state, your emotions, your caring, your love and dedication to each other. Touch can be healing and orgasmic.
People who did not receive enough nurturing touch in childhood are not naturally open and appreciative of touch. Yet they need touch for their physical and emotional health.
Thankfully, Tantra, the art of conscious loving, teaches how to become aware of the power of touch, how to appreciate it and how touch consciously and to receive it in a safe space so you can totally enjoy the response of your body and totally surrender.
You are probably familiar with the phrase, “I’m touched”. You may say it yourself when you feel empathy, compassion, or even in a moment of great passion.
A friend of mine told me that when she goes into painful states of devastating loneliness, a focused moment of loving touch from her man melts her icy block that tends to separate her from him and from life. He has learned to reach out and touch her with the reverence and caring that melt down her walls. He found that even the kindest words could not penetrate her blocks.
Repeatedly, in my 31 years of practice as a Tantric coach and as a lover myself I have witnessed that a caring touch is the most powerful and effective way that lovers can communicate with each other, especially in difficult situations. It’s not always easy for the giver to choose touch instead of words, especially for people who jump to propose rational solutions – but a deep, long breath gives you the space to decide to overcome your resistance to touching. It works.
A loving touch is calming and healing for both the giver and the receiver. Touch can be the most powerful and efficient approach to opening your heart, both when you give and when you receive it.
Even in the most pleasurable lovemaking situations, conscious touching greatly increases connection between partners. It generates uplifting feelings of joy for both of you. Scientists have proven that touch releases large quantities of endorphins into your bloodstream. Endorphins are also called ‘happy hormones’ because they produce a happy mood, and happiness is the space where higher pleasure and deeper connection happen.
When you touch, you need to be present to yourself and to your lover. You do not want your touch to become habitual. If you are used to give a touch that is too fast, or too slow, too soft or too hard…, perhaps because you like that for yourself or because it worked with a previous lover, then I suggest that you learn Tantric touch.
Tantra, the art of conscious loving, suggests that you tune into your lover’s breath and other physical responses and let that awareness become your teacher. Of course, if in doubt, you can always ask your lover using a language that requires one word instead of a sentence or worse a series of sentences. Why? Because too many words can take you out of the flow of intimacy. For instance, as a giver you would ask: “Do you like a softer or stronger touch?” The receiver would answer with one word, without having to worry about hurting your feelings, which could happen if you asked, instead: “Do you like the way I touch you?” The answer would direct the attention to you instead of to your lover and take you out of the flow.
Tantra equates the two most important touch modalities to the elements of water and fire. The water touch is fluid and like water expands to cover every nooks and crannies of the body and can goes deep without using forceful pressure. The water touch requires using the whole palm and your fingers, and sometimes other parts of your body. Fire touch, instead is a soft, surface touch done using your fingertips. It increases excitement and can jump to different places. A water touch can take your lover to deeper a more relaxed pleasure.
Of course, using a mixture of these two touching modalities is best. Our nervous system loves newness and variety.
There are many other modalities of touch, such as vibrating touch, touch with sound corresponding to the chakra that you want to influence, and more. One powerful Tantric modality is called Nyasa, which is a “non-touch” touch that you would send with your intention to penetrates the lover’s body. Nyasa can be very healing.
Tantra suggests that you stay aware of how both you and the receiver are breathing and take turns giving and receiving touch so both of your minds are focused on either giving or receiving. That allows your mind to relax more deeply and your enjoyment deepens.
If you the receiver is holding her or his breath, it could mean that they are not present to receiving, or they do not like the way they are being touched, but they might not want to say it. If the receiver is a woman, often she will not say that she prefers another modality because she’s afraid to hurt the giver’s feelings; she’s usually not trained to ask for what she wants. When that happens, the energy cannot rise as high as it could.
Touch contributes to more understanding of each other’s needs. When you are happy, you are more relaxed and therefore more open to hearing the other’s point of view. That is why when your partner is stressed, do not bring up a difficult subject until they can receive your touch. Both Tantra and common sense say that the best time to look at and talk about differences and challenges is when you are relaxed.
Even before you sit down to have a pre-arranged meeting, which Tantra suggests you schedule regularly, hold hands for a few minutes before you speak. That contributes to calming the mind so you can speak more clearly and succinctly.
When you feel touched you are witnessing your sense of touch, not your thoughts. You are not thinking. Thinking takes you away from being present to receive. Linear thinking is based on duality: you are either right or wrong, good or bad, happy or sad, strong or weak. All dualistic statements do not consider myriads of nuances that escape language, but that you can pick up intuitively through touch.
For example, when my client Mary said to her husband: “I hate it when you think I’m weak” her husband could have gotten into a discussion of what he meant by his statement, but all that would not have soothed Mary’s hurt feelings as much as a gentle touch expressing his regret for unwittingly causing her pain.
Touch helps you come out of rigid thinking and discover how both of you can love each other even if we do not think alike. In my many years of couples counseling, I have found that holding each other’s hands has often the power to unite instead of separate.
In my work, I often notice that couples who touch a lot are happier and more generous. Generosity is a quality we all have and that emerges to express more easily when you are relaxed and non-defensive. When you let your true self come out of your protective shell, you naturally want to touch and be touched. Then you will notice that you naturally think of helping others, and enjoy seeing them happy.
Body language is usually more honest than verbal communication is.
The brain can rationalize what to say to make a point, the body cannot. This is one of the many reasons why verbal communication with texting can damage a relationship, especially when you use it to avoid an important talk. Words could be interpreted in different ways and often the proper context doesn’t come through, but when you touch each other you can pick up subtle meanings from body language, which, unless you are a great poet, you would not be able to express. For instance, when he or she says, “I’m fine” while looking down and frowning, would you believe them? How would you continue to ask questions to find out more?
Psychological studies have shown that when someone you talk to keeps their arms crossed in front of their chest it means they close their heart so that can defend their position. They will not reach true understanding until they open. In cases like this I use several techniques to bring my clients to open at least for the moment to create connection. Some of the techniques bring out the happy child in them. Humor always helps to see the truth.
Because touch is so important, I teach several methods of touch that will keep you and your relationship blossom. With understanding the nuances of touch and incorporating a style of clear honest communication, you will be on your way to create more time for pleasure and become more orgasmic.
Techniques of touching will be explained more in detail in my upcoming workshop, Tantric Foreplay, as well as in my Teacher’s Training.