A problem I hear very often from women in couples who feel they are not listened to or misunderstood or ignored is that their man doesn’t care how they feel, or doesn’t bother to listen to their feelings. But what women think they see in men’s behavior is not always a reflection of a man’s true thought or action. In spite of some women’s complaints that men don’t like feelings, my experience in working with thousands of men and women shows that what most men want IS a woman who feels deeply and expresses her feelings clearly without blame.
The ability to feel deeply and express those feelings clearly is actually the deepest reason a man falls in love with a woman. But it takes emotional maturity to distinguish surface display of emotions from real feelings. Women who grew up in a family that habitually expressed emotions with lots of drama are especially prone to confuse emotional display and drama (shouting, crying, pouting, raised voice, gestures) with feeling emotions deeply in their core.
Feelings are deep like the ocean, while emotional displays are like waves that move with the wind along the ocean’s surface. The wind that disturbs us is caused by recurring thoughts that drive up big waves of emotional outbursts that seem exaggerated to most men. So men may just close off instead, and so it seems that your man never ‘gets’ what you really want to express. And sometimes, those emotional outbursts actually have the effect of closing women off to their own feelings too – your energy is diverted from feeling your pain or anger deeply into distracting bursts of yelling or crying.
A mature women knows how to recognize the thoughts that started those exaggerated emotions, and takes time to go deeper to see what it is that she’s longing for from her partner. She takes time to calm her emotional waves and find the words to express what she really feels in the depths of her ocean.
Without feelings, lovemaking becomes a habitual way to build sexual energy up and then release it without experiencing orgasms that actually stir you up all the way to your core. Such deep-reaching orgasms have the power to deepen and enliven your love.
I suggest that you take time to connect with your deep feelings and find the clearest and shortest way to express them. Too many words can sound confusing and can diffuse the power of the feeling that creates connection between partners.
Please take a moment and consider:
- Do you close off when she starts expressing her feelings?
- Do you gently remind her to take a moment to connect with her real feelings?
- Do you ask her if she has a request of you?
- Are you afraid of expressing your feelingsin your relationship?
- Do you take a moment to calm yourself and find a short way to ask for what you want?
- Do you thank your man for having been open to listening to you?
These actions may seem very small and simple, but like many simple acts, they are immensely powerful and can be great agents of change in your relationship. Take time now to consider how you are reacting to your feelings, then the next time you confront a difficult emotional situation, do these simple changes. You will be amazed at the transformation in how you and your partner connect.