Enlightened relationships fulfill all aspects of our lives. We trust each other, and we feel we are on the same team, so we like to help each other. There is a deep sense of belonging. We discuss important issues together. We laugh together. We love to express our sensuality freely, with enthusiasm and a sense of discovery. We feel powerful enough to be vulnerable in each other’s presence. We communicate with honesty and openness from our authentic selves. We are nurturing a seed of love that blooms into a flower that expands its essence to our surroundings. As we love, we feel a connection that goes beyond our bodies. We start sensing that we are more than our body and become conscious of the divine connection. We want to live fully and contribute to life.
In other words life together is safe, sexy, powerful, loving, expressive and expanding beyond our bodies.
However, not all relationships have to fulfill all the areas mentioned above. People can form a relationship such as marriage for all sorts of reasons. Some people marry for security, some because of sexual gratification, some because they feel more powerful together than separate, some because they can communicate well together, some for spiritual reasons. Enlightened relationships seem to have the entire gamut of reasons to be together.
During the many years I’ve worked as psychotherapist and Tantric healer, I’ve noticed that any relationship – no matter how it started – can work as long as the couple grows in the same or a compatible direction or are very tolerant of the other being in a completely different space than they are. They love the essence of their partner.
Most of the couples that come to Tantric therapy complain that the partner they chose is no longer fulfilling their needs. Either the sexual expression on which the choice of the marriage was made has become stale, or the safety provided by the marriage contract has become boring and at least one of them is longing for more sex and more creativity.
To reach a higher harmony with a more fulfilling love life, knowledge of Tantra is essential as well as being aware of the basic differences between man and woman or, to be more precise, between masculine and feminine energy expressions. You can substitute woman for feminine expression and man for masculine expression.
You are not the only one who sometimes feels like men and women are from different planets. Yes, we have fundamentally the same basic needs; however the nature of men and the nature of women have different expressions. I am inviting you to use this information to understand each other and grow together.
Women are turned on through romance; they love hearing how much they are wanted and loved. They want to hear men talk about it in detail. They love to read romance novels and devour the romantic parts. If they read romantic books at all, men usually just skip to the juicy parts. Librarians say they have never seen a man pick up a Victorian novel! Men are turned on by visual appearance, color of hair, how an outfit looks, the way a woman moves her head, the way her shoulders are held, the texture of her breast, the scent she wears.
An example from a couple I worked with: When Lori came to my Tantric session she complained that Don was only interested in sex. He would come home and grab her breast or her butt and carry her to the bedroom. Don complained that she constantly slapped his hand away and he felt rejected. She used to like sex when we were going out, he said exasperated.
He was stunned and confused. I helped him understand what was happening. I asked him to remember how it was at the beginning of their relationship when she was hot for him. I asked him how many times he used to call her during the week to re-affirm his love to her and to make plans to go out. After some pondering he could see how his calling her and often planning something new kept her heart open. He admitted that her heart seemed to expand into a bigger love that translated into a greater turn on. The component of feeling loved emotionally kept her sexual urge high.
When there is a conflict a woman wants to talk about it until she feels heard. Then she’s willing to hear him out until they reach a mutually satisfying agreement. She can seldom be sexually open until there is a resolution. Then her heart can open and the sexual energy can flow through her body allowing for enthusiastic love making. In contrast, after a fight, a man wants to make up by making love. For him, the connection is reestablished by making love, especially by having great intercourse.
Another difference is that when a man ejaculates, he emits a hormone that puts him to sleep. When women have orgasms they emit a hormone that wakes them up and increases their energy for more connection. A Tantric man who has learned to control his ejaculation several times before ejaculating can stay awake and enjoy a long afterglow hug or a pillow talk with his woman before falling asleep. This is because of the extra charge of energy engendered from transmuting the sexual charge into love energy. That charge remains in the body even after releasing the semen if he “chooses” to do so.
Still another difference: When women are sad, they can still be in the mood for sex, but when they are angry or tired, they are cut off from their sexual flow. Men, on the other hand, can have intercourse when they are angry, and they are often surprised to notice where the tiredness goes when an erection emerges.
And finally, men have their highest level of testosterone in the morning while women have their highest level in the evening. Men are often ready to make love in the morning while women would rather turn over and continue to sleep.
Some men I’ve worked with solved this challenge by taking a catnap in the early evening in order to still feel enough energy to make love before going to bed. However, if the woman had to deal with small children during the day she might be exhausted by the evening, too.
The glorious and sexually satisfying relationship requires a willingness to take our male and female differences into consideration to co-create ways to move beyond perceived limitations. A spiritually fulfilling relationship is our birthright. It takes two to tango in the dance of life, and when we move together effortlessly we evolve relationships that work. My commitment is to help people achieve an optimal way of relating based on a real understanding of each other. In my experience, all Tantric exoteric techniques work best if based on honesty of feelings and needs and trust that you can be heard. Knowing how to deliver such communication in a fully responsible and compassionate way is essential to keep a relationship alive and growing.