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The Importance of Touch in Building Sexual Charge and Love

In this busy age when we’re always pressed for time, people have forgotten what it’s like to touch each other just for the pleasure of it. Even if that opportunity arises, the tendency is to get caught up over ejaculatory orgasms. Admittedly, ejaculatory orgasm produces intense pleasure, but unless it is built up slowly with conscious touch it is more like a sneeze in the groin, a release of built up tension, than a deeply satisfying experience that “makes love grow” (love making).

Unfortunately for many people a sex encounter becomes more a mutual masturbation than a real love building experience.

Tantra invites us to take time to thoroughly touch each other to increase arousal across the entire body. Your conscious touch stirs up energy in the form of weak electronic waves that start flowing continuing to build up until they become larger waves that encompass the entire body. The pleasure waves increase the flow of happy hormones that help opening up both the heart and the flow of sexual energy.

When I say conscious I mean that you are not thinking of something else. Your attention is fully on your lover, how they breathe and how they take in your touch. If the receiver holds her or his breath and seems to be into her own thinking you might ask if they would like a softer or stronger, slower of faster touch, depending on how you are touching them when you see them “disconnect” from what is happening.

This question will get their attention back and you will get a chance to give them the touch they desire. Sometimes we tend to touch how we want to be touched instead of tuning in and see how our lover likes it.

Our skin is our biggest organ and needs caring love and attention. But the Tantric touch goes deeper than the skin. When you put your intention together with your breath you can feel all the muscles sucking in that attention, which goes all the way down to the bones. Yes, bones need love and attention, too, and that can be done even without having to use deep tissue massage strokes.

Your intention connected with your breath is very powerful and can penetrate quite deep to touch and heal.

Tantric people know that touching a lover does not always have to end in ejaculation. Touch is both sensuous and healing. The most obvious emissaries of love are our arms and the focal points from which love flows are the palms. So when we touch our loved ones we help them heal from any pain or disappointment they might have experience d d uring the day and feel that life is worth living just to be touched by you.

Many women tell me that they often cringe when their men starts touching them because they know it will end up in intercourse and they might not be in the mood for it. To prevent this from happening I am inviting men to set up a just touching time with your beloved. And I recommend that when even when she gets all excited you keep your agreement of “just touching” during that time. If you do that several times you will build up trust that you are keeping your word and she will st art being touched with joy anytime you do so.

And I promise you that both of you will have an incredibly great time touching and making love.

{ 14 comments… add one }
  • Glynn November 18, 2009, 11:36 am

    Hi Tara. I have been curious about tantra for some time now. I’m not even sure if it’s for me. I am a single man of 54. I don’t suffer from premature ejaculation. Just the opposite. I last a long time and I have all kinds multiple, full bodied orgasms. I love being single and dating around. But I am not a heartbreaker. I am honest and most women seem to be happy with my honesty. For the first time in my life, maybe due to my age, I am experiencing some confidence issues. This is totally new to me. My erection is usually pretty impressive but every now and then I have that mental doubt that sometimes softens it. If my mind wanders, even for a split second, there is a difference in my hardness. It always comes back but it makes me a little insecure. I am good at pleasing women as I had older lovers in my youth. I have become a good creative, inventive teacher because of it. I’m never in a hurry and giving pleasure gives me pure pleasure. I’m a giver and I do get. Maybe I need more creativity given to me. I don’t know. So I’m wondering if tantra is right for me. Can you help bring back my solid, 100% confidence? How would you do that? Is it focus? Something I’m usually good at. We all need help at times, right? I look forward to hearing from you. Oh yes, how much will it cost?

    Thank you.


  • Carla Tara November 18, 2009, 5:39 pm

    Thank you for sharing as much as you did. I do believe that a Tantra session would help you tremendously in keeping the focus, enthusiasm and heart connection that has made you the good lover you already are.

    Please call me so we can connect.

    I think a 2 hours session would be perfect to reach that goal.
    I would like to share with you the knowledge that comes from 15 years plus of experience in helping people reach their highest level of pleasure through Tantra.
    I believe that the best and most connected sex is when you are over 50.

    -Carla Tara

  • David November 21, 2009, 12:28 pm

    Hi Carla –

    I’m a 55-yr. old man who is married to a wonderful woman, but for whom vaginal sex is painful, as she is a breast cancer survivor whose vaginal wall is very thin and tender. To me, loving sex is about pleasing your partner, creating joy with your partner, and fuflilling sexual experiences only really happen for me when I can please her. This is difficult when I know she is in pain. Consequently we both end up avoiding sex altogether. And although our sex togother has been okay, it lacks the sensitivity, tenderness, and deep connection I yearn for. Although on a variety of blood pressure meds that reduce my ability to “maintain” during lovemaking (yes, I use the blue pill from time to time), I’m more spiritually, mentally, and physically aware of the sacred connection between two lovers than ever and actually desire it more than ever. I guess this comes from maturing spiritually and understanding the connections in life better than before. (I’ll admit, I’m one of those touchy feely, sensitive kind of guys who desires tenderness along with passion, and I long for this connection. And often!). So, can Tantra help us in finding ways to enjoy sex together, perhaps some without vaginal penetration? AND, can Tantra help me develop the spiritual, tender, “losing yourself connection” I’ve always longed for in sex? (I guess there are two issues I’m putting out here – dealing with my wife’s physical issues, AND my desire for tender, spiritual connection in sex). Any ideas would be greatly appreciated, and thanks for listening!
    – Dave

  • Carla November 22, 2009, 12:58 pm

    Dear Dave,

    Thank you for your comments. The good news is that I can help you with both.
    I appreciate your tenderness your consideration of your wife’s comfort. It is the basis of a good relationship.

    Yes, when the walls of the vagina become thin intercourse can be painful.

    Our real needs are two fold, and as we are maturing the second one becomes even more important.
    The need for sexual expression, and the other is of emotional and spiritual connection.
    Thank Goddess for the knowledge of Tantra, which teaches us to take care of the emotional/spiritual connection first.

    That can happen through the Ocean Breath (I wrote an ebook explaining the importance of this breath for connecting. It will become available soon).

    Another way to make that connection happen is a process called soul gazing. It opens all the chakras to let the soul reveal itself.

    It consists of looking from our left eye into each other’s left eye while we are breathing and facing each other either sitting or lying down.

    The left eye represents the right part of the brain, the part that let’s us experience the connection with each other. We discover that we are really one.

    Even a couple of minutes of that, if done with intention and knowledge, can open up places in us we did not know existed,
    and can start causing juices to flow, getting ready to express that connection also with our bodies.

    Then the feeling of wanting to kiss and be kisses, touch and be touched comes naturally. You start exuding love from your hands.
    Conscious breathing keeps the connection alive and growing.

    Even women with dry vaginas can learn to strengthen the vaginal muscles using the kegel exercises (Tantra calls them Love Muscles)
    while being gently touch by their man.

    It takes time, but it is possible to recover vaginal pleasure. In the meantime I would suggest that you touch her gently and for now
    only if she wants to suck your finger in that you just place at the introitus of her yoni. Then you know you’re welcome.

    Then you would keep you finger in without moving consciously sending all your love into her. If she starts moving in pleasure you can move your finger also.
    Watch her facial expression and if she is showing pain, you slowly pull out your finger and cover her yoni with your palm and put the other hand on her heart smiling as you are hugging and kissing her.

    Then again you can go to high spiritual places with her. You don’t have to have intercourse to connect deeply in intimacy.
    By the way, the less you concentrate on the performance of your penis, the more it will work naturally and give you all the fulfillment you desire.
    Mature sex is more about connection then erection. And when your wife will be OK with it, you can take viagra to help you maintain the erection if your doctor thinks it’s safe for you.

    Tell her how much you love hugging her and giving and receiving her affections.
    That kind of communication will create miracles.

    I would recommend that you schedule a private session with me so I can transmit the experience of Tantra to her.

    I’ve been helping couples for over 15 years with amazing results.

    Looking forward to your reply, and let me know if you have any other questions.


    Carla Tara

    Be sure to sign up for my newsletter on the top of the page.

  • Carla Tara December 21, 2009, 7:59 am


    Doctors or medical practitioners may give you a set time, but I treat premature ejaculation as any time you come before you want to. It is about control – you control the ejaculation, it should not control you. That is one of the greatest skills that Tantra teaches you – to develop control over your orgasm and sexual sensations. This lets you direct them, prolong them, and experience the greatest bliss possible.

    Also, when you learn to control your ejaculation, you will be able to separate it from your orgasm – and then develop the ability to have many orgasms. That’s right, Tantric men can have many orgasms because they do not ejaculate with each one. I have an article on it here.

    If you would like to talk to me about some personal coaching in this area, please email me at carla@1tantra.com

  • Lincoln Klohs January 20, 2010, 9:03 am

    thanks !! very helpful post!

  • Denise Van Hummel February 2, 2010, 1:15 pm

    i like the design fo the site – whats the template?

  • Carla Tara February 7, 2010, 1:00 pm

    Hi Denise,

    At the moment, my website is a variation of a Wordpress theme called Red Passion. However, my web designer Marie modified it. I also have a new design on the way, which should come out soon – come back to see!

  • jj March 4, 2010, 10:08 pm

    Thank you