Just a few days ago in NYC we went through a powerful hurricane that we never imagined would hit the city so vehemently. All of us were feeling powerless against it; no amount of money or political influence could make it change its course.
All you could do was just watch it from a window, in awe of the power of the wind that could eradicate trees and push the water of the nearby river nine feet above the highway.
I was grateful to be safe in my house, but I was witnessing a storm of feelings inside of me. The hurricane became for me a metaphor for the anger that something needs to flare up in order to restore newness in one’s relationship.
Tantra is not about being sweet all the time; tantra is about being real. If sweetness is superimposed over unresolved emotions it’s a hurricane in the making.
You can look into each other’s eyes and paint a smile on your face, but if you are not real, no Tantric techniques will work to take you beyond your ego into the oneness that cannot be explained, because it’s beyond words. It’s an awesome connection that binds you and takes you beyond your personality into a much bigger energy.
My work with couples allows me to witness what happens to a person who has seemingly lost his or her spark. Let’s take a woman who has been rewarded by her father for being a ‘good girl’, being pretty and smiling a lot. Of course she has felt anger and sadness at times also – those emotions are part of life – but if she wanted the approval of her father, she had to keep those feelings in and hidden.
The girl grows up thinking that she has to show the man she falls in love with the feelings her father approved of. Being a good girl is not sexy. Sex includes all our feelings. However, since she has only one polarity of life, she can not feel the fullness of life, including her sexuality.
When she finally recognizes what she has been missing, she explodes. The anger that she feels can scare a man who was used to having a meek and sexless spouse. A raging woman is very similar to a hurricane, and can be as scary and destructive.
The good new is that men do not have to be powerless when the hurricane comes. Tantra teaches them how to stay open in their heart and keep sending their woman the love she needs to feel safe to be herself: both the good and the bad girl. They know that great sex happens when the woman can trust her man fully to embrace all of who she is.
If he stays in his full power with an open heart, the storm passes not only without any damage, but with the results of a more complete love that includes the sexual spark we are all longing for.