Power Up Your Lovemaking from the Inside

When we think about what makes an intimate encounter really hot and passionate, we usually think of things like communication, connection, playfulness, trust. We think about how these two people are coming together in a way that creates a spark and then a flame, and maybe even an inferno of desire!

But one of the most powerful influences on your sex life starts operating long before you head into bed with your partner – and it has the power to send you to the moon, or to douse you with cold water. And that quality is self-esteem.

Self-esteem influences the way you make love, how much financial abundance you attract, and yes, how you connect with others as well. It is as if the more you value yourself, the more you feel entitled to get your needs met sexually, emotionally and in all other ways. You are able to kindly enroll your lover to help you get your needs met and your desires fulfilled, and you enjoy fulfilling theirs with the same enthusiasm. Your high self-esteem turns your lover on.

I work with many clients who struggle with low self-esteem, and many times it takes just a simple shift of your perspective to see yourself in a new light, to jump start you with new passion for life, and with your partner. But often it’s very difficult to shift your perspective from the inside, so I wanted to share with you one story of someone who recovered his self-esteem. Henry is one of the many examples that show how through Tantric healing work you can recover your self-esteem and re-ignite your relationship.

Henry first came to me for help with his relationship when it was already at the stage where his partner had expressed she wanted separation. Henry wanted to find a way to repair the damage and create a relationship that would welcome her back to him. When I met him, he felt nervous and distraught. He did not want to lose her… He loved her but she had stopped feeling attracted to him sexually.

Henry had attracted a woman who felt and expressed her feelings and was frustrated that Henry never opened up to express what he was feeling. This is actually a common situation that I see very often – and sometimes the dynamic is reversed and the man is more open and the woman is more reserved.  In this case, Henry’s partner was OK with while he was afraid of expressing himself. He said to me that he could not find the words that would not offend her. He thought that the whole reason he did not express himself was not to hurt her feelings.

Of course, we discovered that there was more to it. In my work I often observe that one attracts a partner that will bring up stuff one is trying to keep hidden because it is scary to let it out.  We fear that our secrets are so terrible that they will scare off our lover. Thankfully, Henry discovered that it was not as scary as he thought.

Often a problem in a relationship comes from a decision you have made in the past about how you are going to be, in order to avoid something you did not like about one or both of your parents. This decision will influence the rest of your life if you do not bring it to the open so you can clearly look at it with the eyes and the experience of the more mature you. You look at the decision you made then, when you were much younger, perhaps even a small child, feel your feelings about it, and ask yourself whether it is a decision that you would make now, as an adult, with all your resources and experience.

In most of cases, NOW you would think, feel and act differently from when you were very young. So did Henry. His father was a bully and his mother was subservient and appeasing. He had so wanted to protect his mother, but he couldn’t; he was too young and he was scared of his father, too. Then, as if to empower himself, he decided: “I will never be like my father “.

When Henry realized this, he was surprised when he see that he had kept true to this decision made at age 7 all the way until now. He did not like it, but he felt liberated from a unconscious burden that was ruining his adult life. Henry realized that having been passively accommodating and subservient had not helped him with his love life nor with his business. He was surprised that he at times was almost as submissive as his mother with whom he identified and for whom he felt compassion, especially when he was a child.

With the help of Tantric techniques he recovered his inherent power. He realized that now he could chose to be who he deep down feels he wants to be. He can choose to be more assertive and own his power in the bedroom  too.

I brought him back in his imagination to one of the abusive scenes he had witnessed in his childhood and he was strong enough to tell his father what he was feeling. Emotions started to flow, filling up his body with energy. I am always in awe when I witness deep healing. Then I helped him integrate the power that he had recovered to all the cells of his body and connect his sexual center with the heart, that was now allowed to feel, finally. I could not believe it could be possible, but after just one session she felt more attracted to him.

Obviously not being able to feel and assert yourself damages your self esteem. If you can’t feel, you cannot be a good lover. You are too concerned with doing everything right so ‘she’ or ‘he’ will have an orgasm, but if you are thinking you cannot transmit your feelings to your lover. If you are thinking, all your lover will get is a robot-like person trying different techniques. Your lover does not feel your eros flowing through your veins to ignite theirs until you can merge in a blissful state.

It may seem to you that Henry’s story is extreme. All of us begin life with a child’s esteem and a child’s reactions, and in the course of life, we mature and develop an adult’s understanding of life, and a strong self-esteem. But even in a ‘normal’ life, so many of us run into obstacles, road-blocks, events, that can hang us up.  If we take time to focus inside and direct our attention and energy to untangling these knots – big or small – the new person we bring to the bedroom is stronger, more vital, and just plain sexier.

So, the next time you are thinking about how to heat up your sex life, I encourage you to start with an inner touch-up – by yourself or with the coaching of a tantric expert.  Then, surprise your lover with the new you, and you’ll really see the sparks fly!