But there is another side to this story. We know that the mind is intrinsically connected with the body. In fact, body language is clearer and often more honest that communication using words. And this can be even truer in intimate relationships.
Often lovers use a barrage of words to avoid saying a deeper truth or to convince the lover thatthey are right. In these cases, real communication happens most likely after calming contradicting emotions, relaxing the body and getting clear about what’s important.
How often have you tried to get something across to your lover and feel frustrated because he “never listens” to you, or “he does not care”? And while you are busy thinking about that, you are not in a clear space to understand his response.
Lucille, a women I’m coaching, was in tears when she told me what happened when her man came in the door excited that a large company finally signed the contract he had been working hard for months. She did not notice his excitement.
She was emotionally closed off in her own frustration about what happened in school with their son, and immediately dumped her frustration on him for “not caring enough for their son”. Only then, she told me, she noticed his expression of pain. She went over to hug him and apologized for her outburst.
It took some soothing before he could tell her about his success and his concern for their son. She was grateful that she had learned to shift fast from angry to concerned when she read his body language.
So, you can read your partner’s mind if you are paying attention. Everyone knows the signs of tension: tight jaw, raised shoulders, shallow breathing. These physical signs give away the state of mind your lover is in.
And when you do see these signs of tension and stress, and they are getting in the way of verbally communicating, it often helps to connect physically instead, perhaps by just taking a couple of breaths and offering a physical connection, even just holding hands works. A smile is often reassuring to a defensive partner that it is safe to speak your mind.
So, the next time you are trying to communicate clearly, center & calm yourself, and then take a moment to observe your lover’s body and use the openness of your own physical presence answer theirs. You may be surprised how much starting the non-verbal conversation helps the verbal one go more smoothly.
Are you struggling to make meaningful changes in your relationship? Would you like to pump some energy into a faded passion? I can help! Join me for an upcoming workshop, or schedule a private coaching session with me for the most effective transformation.