Why is it so difficult for most couples to retain the level of passion they desire?
There are many reasons, and they are different for each couple. However, there is one common thread that runs through the challenges most couples face. There are two essential human needs that play a large role in this: The need for security and the need for variety. They are both important.
If we knew what would happen in life, in our relationship, in sex, all the time, we might like it at first, but then it’s likely that we would become bored. A key component of desire is anticipation and surprise. Desire is the fire that makes passion burn stronger. Air and space are essential to feed any fire. In relationship terms, when the relationship is new, and you are not living together, the expectation for the next encounter keeps the desire high.
We totally lose this when everything becomes familiar and expected. That is one of the biggest dangers for couples at the stage when they move in together or get married. That means that variety is essential to keep the excitement alive in a long-term and committed relationship.
On the flip side of the coin, the need for security is met when people feel safe together. They develop ease and comfort and caring, and they have the absolutely vital sense of safety that lets them be vulnerable and intimate, which we all need to let love grow deeper.
But in this space of safety, couples often neglect to still create variety. Keeping passion alive in a marriage takes some planning for diversity of approach to lovemaking, taking risk in communicating something that might be difficult to express, and some even small surprises. I know when we are busy working or taking care of children, it’s not easy, but it is possible, and it’s definintely worth the investment of time and attention.
When she detected a diminishing of passion between her and her husband, Bruce, Lucy had a wild idea. She took off an afternoon and rented room in a sleazy hotel.
She called Bruce to ask him to join her immediately describing her enthusing sexy outfit she had just bought. Bruce was in a meeting when he received the completely unexpected call. His face, and possibly another more hidden part of his body, became as red as if he had an allergic reaction. He invented a plausible excuse for his immediate departure and said he would be back in a couple of hours.
Lucy said that she never experience that kind of passion before, and they had been married for 7 years.
Not everybody is comfortable with that kind of crazy impromptu action. If it’s not for you and you still want to find ways to spice up the familiar, going to a couple’s workshop where others communicate their different challenges and approaches to increase their passion might be more your cup of tea. Couples are always surprised how much they learn, and how simple and safe Tantric exercises make a difference in their love life.
I am hosting a couples workshop this weekend where we will do exactly this. You can learn what you need to revive a flagging sex life and bring juicy passion back into your marriage.