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How to Keep Your Sex Life Exciting When You Have Kids

Kids bring lots of joy to a couple, but they also bring enormous work and lots of responsibilities. Parents have to structure their time around their children’s needs – feeding them, keeping them clean, teaching social skills, making sure they play with friends – just to mention a few of your endless parental duties.

You both love your kids, but somehow, with your focus on taking care of them, romance takes a back seat. Before the children, you had more time for each other. You could go out to dinner, see mutual friends, go to interesting movies and discuss them; you were motivated to be sensuous and creative, and could schedule time to make love more often. With your priority shifting to the children, this takes a toll on your intimacy together. As a couple, you can feel disconnected.

The ancient science of Conscious Love, Tantra, gives wonderful advice to parents. It is simple advice, but it requires your commitment to maintaining high passion in your relationship while you are being good parents.

Tantra suggests that a good way to begin is to show each other understanding and gratefulness for all you do. For instance, men, you have the power to give your wife rejuvenation and energy, and bring back your wife into your life, not just your kid’s mom. And this can be a simple act: Tantra recommends that you massage your wife’s feet.

Why? Because a woman has to be relaxed before she can open up her sexuality. As you probably know, all energy lines that go through the whole body (meridians) end up in the feet, and can bring both relaxation and more vitality to all the organs of the body. A foot massage brings with it a sensual awakening that can be sexually exciting and open up both her heart and her yoni. So, rubbing her feet is both stimulating and relaxing.

However, Tantra reveals a secret about this situation. Women have a sixth sense about your intentions when you do anything. If you touch her with the intention of stimulating her because you want to make love, she will pick up on it, even unconsciously, and might resist because she’s tired. However, when your intention is to actually help her relax, that too will come through, and she might more willingly agree. So Tantra recommends that you come from their heart when you offer the massage, and let the sexual connection unfold naturally in the moment.

Tantra encourages couples to touch each other, and connect through hugging and kissing, or just breathing and holding each other because touch between a couple fulfills. Many people have grown up with the misconception that once you start touching each other sensuously you “have to” end in orgasm.
This belief is counterproductive and leads to dissatisfaction and mistrust.

If every time you touch sensuously you want to end up having intercourse, one partner may end up drawing back because they don’t feel like going all the way at that time. Especially for parents, who often end the day dropping exhausted into bed after tucking in the kids, the idea of a protracted love-making session may just seem like too much work. That’s the perfect chance to spend time just holding one another, renewing the deep connection of your love.

If you make the dedicated commitment to exchange this deep touch as often as you can, some nights you’ll find it progressing to hot juicy sex, and some nights you’ll fall asleep in each other’s arms, but along the way you’ll also be discovering how to have both the pleasure of parenthood and the pleasure of a great satisfying sex life.

{ 16 comments… add one }
  • unduppysuindy April 11, 2009, 12:34 am


  • Kelly Brown June 12, 2009, 12:09 pm

    The best information i have found exactly here. Keep going Thank you

  • KonstantinMiller July 6, 2009, 9:55 am

    Hello. I think the article is really interesting. I am even interested in reading more. How soon will you update your blog?

  • CarlaTara July 6, 2009, 8:05 pm

    Hi Konstantin,

    Thank you for reading!

    I have been very busy this spring creating a brand-new workshop for couples in the baby boomer years. I’m very excited about it as it’s close to release, but it has kept me a bit too busy to write for 1tantra.com.

    The new website and workshop will be previewing soon, and I have some new articles for 1tantra.com that you will see in the next few weeks.

    Carla Tara

  • Kenny Poole August 5, 2009, 10:08 am

    Falling asleep in each others arms???sounds like mumbo jumbo woman-talk crap. Men need sex, women need to give it. Or men get it from somewhere else. Women aint no more tired than men. Just another excuse.

  • CarlaTara August 14, 2009, 6:14 am


    Men and women both need sex as part of a healthy sexual life. But there’s nothing healthy about any kind of forced sex, or sex from guilt. A healthy, and passionate (!), sex life comes from partners lovingly and happily sharing intimacy and intercourse.

    As parents, the reality of your time is that you must share it between child-rearing and your intimate relationship. And sometimes, one or both of you is going to be too tired to ‘perform.’ Again, reality. And no, that is not always the woman. I have helped many clients in similar situations where a wife has complained that her husband is always ‘too tired.’

    The goal to keep in mind is the strength of the intimate connection between the two of you. Taking time when you can to plan alone moments where you can release the full passion of your love and attraction, but when you can’t, boosting that with attention and caring and physical closeness – like falling asleep in each other’s arms.


  • Webster December 22, 2009, 9:06 pm

    I really like your writing style, its not generic and extremly long and tedious like a lot of blog posts I read, you get to the point and I really enjoy reading your articles! Oh, and merry Christmas!

  • Dermot January 2, 2010, 8:50 am

    Thank you for contribute this useful article. Hope that you will continue doing good article like this. I will be one of your frequent reader.

  • Carla Tara January 4, 2010, 8:20 am

    Hi Dermot,

    I am so glad you have found the article useful. It is a common problem for couples in our day. They are so busy with their work and their children, it is very easy to let the intimate connection be left behind. But it is so important to give it attention too – the strength of your relationship is the foundation that supports the family, the children, your work. Without it, the stress of daily life can erode your passion for each other.


  • frazzled new mom January 22, 2010, 4:32 pm

    Thank you so much. This was really helpful.I’m about to be a first time mom do you have any more advice?

  • Carroll B. Merriman February 4, 2010, 1:04 am

    superb read! The art of relaxing is very important to the soul and body. You must rest, it’s natural. There’s this relaxation drink, based on scientific studies and created by a scientist: it’s called Minichill. it’s based on clinical studies. It’s made from scientifically proven relaxing ingredients like Relarian. It is backed by a Ph.D who has many publishing, Dr. Benjamin Weeks. You should really check it out.

  • Carla Tara February 7, 2010, 12:58 pm

    Hi Carroll,

    Thank you for reading. I have never heard of Minichill. I usually do not advise people to take supplements or energy drinks, but instead to pay better attention to eating fresh, nutritious food – I myself eat lots of vegetables, and keep portions of meat small, and with very little fat. If you combine this with just a moderate amount of exercise, you will find yourself improving in health.

    If you are having trouble relaxing, instead of trying a solution of science, like a special techno drink, why not take a few minutes to sit in a quiet place? Close your eyes and take several deep breaths. When you slow down your breathing and pay attention to it, your body will automatically relax.

  • Gerry Veegor May 31, 2010, 11:21 pm

    I found this blog through Facebook (my friend posted it). After reading it, I clicked Like then shared it myseld.

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