I recently started working with a great looking woman who first came in my door so stressed that she could not sit still without constantly re-arranging her body. That first day, her eyes were speedily moving around in hypervigilance. She could not finish one sentence in the rush to get to the next.
What she said came from a rehearsed circular thinking in her head. She did not allow herself time to feel. She told me she hated herself and especially her body. She grew up with a self-righteous alcoholic father and a Catholic mother who did NOT allow herself or her children to feel feelings, especially those of pleasure.
She complained that she had a dark secret: she was 49 years old and she had never had an orgasm! All her friends were telling her of their great lovemaking, ending in earthshaking orgasms. . . Whether they were telling her the truth or not, she believed them and guessed there was something wrong with her.
Talking to Jane did not seem the best approach, because her rigid belief that there was something wrong with her would just filter out my words. I had to try something more direct.
I could see that Jane was breathing high, shallow breaths, lifting her upper chest while her lower chest remained immobile ,and her belly pulled in tightly as though she had to save her back from the strain of lifting a heavy weight. She was in a state of high stress. Although her muscles were quite tight, giving the illusion of strength, she was pale, and lacking inner strength.
So I empathized and created a safe space for Jane to feel her feelings. I started her off with the Ocean Breath, a gentle,
powerful breath that takes people out of their minds and into their bodies in a very short space of time. Although the Ocean Breath is easy to learn, the resistance to it can be great. One of the skills of a Tantric guide is to create a safe space where one can feel supported in discovering emotional truths we are hiding from ourselves.
Jane’s first fear was that she might be swept away by her emotions, and then succumb to some terrible, life threatening attack from outside. We looked at it together with kindness without buying into it, and the fear started to diminish enough for her to achieve a relaxed state she had never felt before.
After I encouraged her to do the Ocean Breath for a while, her body started to soften. Her cheeks became rosy and the constant movement in her eyes slowed down. She was afraid of falling asleep when she reached a peaceful place. Wanting to fall asleep is another defense, so I invited her to continue the Ocean Breath. Then another fear emerged, the fear of liking pleasure so much she would stop working and then . . . starve! A series of fears came up, including that she would be punished or even raped if she allowed herself to be playful.
We calmly addressed those fears one at the time. After a while she finally surrendered to enjoying the feeling of pleasure in her body and a sense of acceptance that she never felt before. By the end of the session, she had transformed her urgency to have an orgasm into a calm confident acceptance that having orgasms is natural when we allow ourselves to just feel and be present to those feelings, riding on the waves of the breath.
She called me after a week of practicing the Ocean Breath for 20 minutes a day, and told me that she had experienced a great orgasm with her boyfriend.
By the way, the Ocean Breath works for men as well. By focusing you in your body, it helps you relax your mind and escape the relentless self-criticism we all struggle with. This helps you to overcome premature ejaculation, to relax enough to feel more pleasure and have greater orgasms (including full-body orgasms), and take the women to her greatest pleasure!