Do you remember the first time you kissed?
How you may have felt the magical, magnetic pull toward each other, slowed your impulse to kiss by taking the time to smell the subtle aromas of your lover’s pheromones, taking the time to slowly touch the back of their neck and their hair, enjoying the enchanting facial expressions and the deep breaths that preceded your first kiss?
Has that kiss now become a short peck? If you said yes, you may be letting habits take over your love life, and you’re putting your relationship in danger.
The problem for humans like us keeping a relationship fresh comes from the fact that the left side of our brains, the part that is concerned with our survival, loves to create habits.
This part of the brain is always seeking efficiency and comfort. Obviously, it’s not efficient to have to figure out over and over again which muscles to use and in what order, to do simple things that we repeat every day, all day long like walking, opening a door, making sounds. So, to save us wasting time & energy figuring this out every time we do it, the left side of our brain lets us make a little ‘program’ that takes us through the most efficient set of actions without wasting time thinking – basically we go into autopilot. These little programs are what we call habits.
And good habits can help us out quite a bit. These little programs can help us practice good eating habits, get to bed on time for better sleep, wake up earlier for more productivity in our day, exercise regularly to keep ourselves healthy and strong. By going on autopilot in these parts of our daily lives, we can avoid the temptations and distractions that would sabotage us . We are really grateful for this ability to create good habits, which ultimately makes our lives easier.
However, the problem is that this same part of our brain that gives us the autopilot option in some parts of our daily life wants to take over and make the decisions about what’s best for you all the time.
If we don’t pay attention, the habit-creating actions of the left side, which can be so useful to us, can start to strangle us with efficiency and routine in the most important parts of our lives where we DON’T want to be on autopilot.
The left side simply takes over the job of the right side of our brain without being in touch with the wisdom that is available to the right brain, and without considering factors like love, joy, and excitement.
The right brain knows best how to deal with the matters of heart, our love with ourselves and with our beloved, as well as with our children and our friends, and all the people we trust. Knowledge and awareness together make up the foundation that allows you to see what is best for you in each moment.
How much is the core part of you longing for the deep connection of the first kiss? Are you aware that by being present you could actually enjoy every kiss as if kissing your lover for the first? And not just the kiss, your touch, the way you speak with each other, the small attentions you had for each other – all of them could be as exciting and fresh for you as at the beginning of your relationship.
So, what about you?
Do you allow the left brain to deal with the matters of the heart using the same mechanistic approach for love as you use to open a door and climb the stairs?
Why would you decide to do that? Well, truly, most of us don’t decide to that – we let it happen by default. Sometimes our habits become so ingrained that they just happen before we get the chance to be present and decide.
Have you ever found yourself pulling into your driveway at home and you don’t remember the drive home? Or your partner says “I love you,” and you respond “I love you too” automatically before you even really hear the words?
That’s the left brain jumping in to take over in a familiar situation. It’s almost like our left-side brains are set to have the stronger voice until you train yourself to hear (and listen to) the soft voice of your intuition.
But those kinds of habits can be death to your marriage or love life. Habits slowly kill the freshness of love and the joy and exhilaration felt in the newness, even when it’s an activity that at first brought us pleasure and excitement. Which makes YOU feel more loved: an absentminded “I love you too dear” from someone flipping through their cellphone or a romantic, authentic “I love you” from a partner gazing deeply into your eyes?
So, how can we use that mechanical part of our brain to work efficiently in our business and jobs, and shift to the other heart-connected part of the brain when we enter our home, the place where we nurture love and connection?
The good news is that you always create something new anytime you do something with love. The heart thrives on newness and finds always what’s new in the moment.
There is a higher consciousness that can be achieved with a simple, natural breath, which I call the Ocean Breath. This breath can take you immediately to the part of your brain that knows how to love and to give and receive pleasure that is new and real. I teach this to my clients, and in my book, The Secrets of the Ocean Breath.
You can also start paying attention yourself to where you are letting habits interfere with your love connection. Take the time to stop yourself and think – am I touching him the same way as last time? Would she like it if I kissed her harder or softer than usual? Even just doing the same action, but with REAL attention, not ‘going through the motions’ can actually bring spark back to routine.
Try it tonight, and let me know your results!
Looking for more help? I lead regular couples workshops where we do exactly this.
You can learn what you need to revive a flagging sex life and bring juicy passion back into your marriage.